Smell. Smell!
Smell, Maggie, smell.
Now. Now!
Kill, kill!
Kill!
We therefore commit its body to the ground.
Earth to earth.
Ashes to ashes.
Dust to dust.
Miserere Dominus
Canis mortuus est
Hello, honey.
What happened?
N-n-nothing.
What's that?
Er...
Not Granny?
Not yet.
Oh. Who is it for, then?
A f-f-f...
A fish? Frenchman?
- A phone operator? - Friend.
Oh, a four-legged one?
Where's my sister?
She's in the b-b-b...
Thank you.
Lavatory.
Wanda!
Anything?
What? No?
Why are you here?
I'm here because I'm bored!
Bored, wandering around this awful city, shoving George's pic...
Talking to a lot of snotty, stuck-up, intellectually inferior British faggots.
They get rigor mortis in the prime of life in this country!
Standing there with their hair clenched
counting the seconds till the weekend,
so they can dress up like ballerinas
at the flat at four
2B, Saint...
To be honest, I er... hate them.
I mean, pretending they're so fucking "lawyer"...
So fucking "superior" with those phoney accents.
Not you, Ken. You've got a beautiful voice
when it works.
Sonofabitch!
So er... Want to have some lunch?
Have you heard from him?
- Who? - Archie.
No, I have to finish my hair!
Nothing?
OK, I'm out of here!
No plans to see him?
No.
OK, bye, bro!
Bye, Wanda!
Oh, sorry.
- What?! - It wasn't theirs to sell.
A old lady gave it to them to engrave.
Someone put it in the display cabinet...
- That's their problem. - No. Legally...
You paid for it!
They accept their mistake and they're offering you this.
It's much more valuable.
I adore this and you want me to give it back...
- "I" don't want... - They can't have it.
- Wendy. - No. No!
- Wendy! - NO!
Tell them they can't have it!
You're the bloody barrister!
- Hello. - Hello.
Oh, Archie, it's beautiful.
It's just beautiful.
Oh, my God, look!
Oh, Archie, it's beautiful.
Isn't it wonderful?
Whose is it?
It belongs to someone at the chambers.
And where are they?
Hong Kong.
Ah so.
Gone for weeks.
Nice rug, Archie.
May I?
Archie, what are you doing?
The polka, I think.
You make me feel free!
Free?
Do you have any idea what it's like being English?
Being so correct all the time?
Being so... stifled by this dread of doing the wrong thing?
Asking someone, 'Are you married?'
And hearing, 'My wife left me.'
Or saying, 'Do you have children?'
And hearing, 'They burned to death yesterday.'
Wanda, we're all terrified of embarrassment.
That's why we're so... dead.
Most of my friends are dead.
We have these piles of corpses to dinner.
But you're alive, God bless you.
And I want to be. I'm so fed up with all this.
I want to make love with you, Wanda.
I'm a good lover.
At least, I used to be in the early 14th century.
Can we go to bed?
Yeah.
Hang on!
Mind your head.
Agh! Aagh!
Aaagh! Aaagh!
I think I love you, Wanda.
Oh, Archie.
Can I ask you a question?
Anything.
Where's my locket?
I couldn't get it.
What?
Wendy wouldn't give it back. Look...
I got you this instead.
Do you like it?
No. Archie, I have to have mine.
What's the matter? Why?
My mother gave it to me
on her death... bed.
Oh, I'm sorry.
All right, darling.
I'll get it for you.
You promise?
I'll think of something.
Sex is very, very difficult for me
with somebody that I don't trust completely.
I promise I'll get it. OK?
Ooh! I love you, Archie.
I've loved you ever since the first second I saw you!
What was that?
What?
Your brother didn't bring you here this time?
No.
He's no idea?
He doesn't have a clue.
What?
He is so dumb...
Really?
He thought the Gettysburg Address was where Lincoln lived.
Those terrible lies he told about the CIA!
So painful!
When he heard your daughter's name was Portia,
he said, 'Why did they name her after a car?'
I love the way you laugh!
I love you, you're funny.
How come a girl as bright as you
can have a brother who's so...
Don't call me stupid.
Jesus Christ!
Ouch! Otto!
Come on!
I'll deal with you later!
What have you done with her?
- She's all right! - Otto!
Now, apologise.
What?
Apologise!
Shit!
Are you totally deranged?
You pompous,
stuck-up, snot-nosed,
English, giant twerp,
scumbag, fuck-face, dickhead asshole!
How very interesting.
You're a true vulgarian, aren't you?
You're the vulgarian, you fuck!
Now, apologise!
What? "Me" to you?
Apologise.
All right, I apologise.
You're really sorry?
I'm really, really sorry.
I apologise unreservedly.
You take it back?
I do. I offer a complete and utter retraction.
The imputation was "totally" without basis in fact,
and was in no way fair comment.
It was motivated purely by malice.
I deeply regret any distress
my comments may have caused you or your family.
I hereby undertake not repeat
any such slander at any time in the future.
OK.
Miserere Dominus
Canis mortuus est
You said you loved him!
Right, Otto! Here's a multiple choice question.
A. Wanda was lying.
B. Wanda was telling the truth.
Which one are you going to pick?
What was the first one?
You said you were not seeing him!
I knew you'd come and fuck it up!
I was dealing with something delicate.
I'm setting up a guy who's important to us.
He knows where the loot is and if you'll be arrested.
You lope in like Rambo without a jockstrap
and dangle him from a window!
Now, was that smart?!
Was it shrewd?
Was it good tactics, or was it stupid?!
Don't call me stupid.
Oh, right!
To call you stupid is an insult to stupid people!
I've known sheep that could outwit you.
I've worn dresses with higher IQs.
You think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape?
Apes don't read philosophy.
Yes, they do. They just don't understand it.
Let me correct you on a couple of things, OK?
Aristotle was not Belgian.
The central message of Buddhism
- is not every man for himself. - You read...
The London Underground is not a political movement.
Those are mistakes. I looked 'em up.
Now. You have just assaulted
the one man who can keep you out of jail and make you rich.
So what are you going to do about it, huh?
What would an intellectual do?
What would Plato do?
Apologise.
Pardon me?
Apolo...
What?
Apologise!
Right!
I'm sorry.
No.
Not to me.
To Archie.
And make it good, or we're dead.
Oh, I'm so very, very, very, very s...
Fuck you!
I'm s...
I'm very, very s...
I'm so
very s...
Very, very s...
Very, very...
ssfff...
Ugh!
Hello, Mr Burglar!
Going somewhere?
Think you can rob Mr Leach?
I'll teach you a lesson.
He's a very good friend of mine.
Otto! Otto!
He'll be very pleased with me when he finds you all tied up
and ready for the police!
And don't call me Otto.
To you, I am Mr...
Aagh!
Oh, God.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Please.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I didn't know it was you.
How could I know it was you?
I mean, how could you expect me to guess?
Stupid jerk!
What the fuck are you doing robbing your own house?
You asshole!
You stupid, stiff, pompous English...
Agh!
I'm sorry.
Er... Er...
Yeah.
God Almighty!
Bloody hell!
Darling!
Are you hurt?
Speak to me! Are you hurt?
Can't you speak?
Archie! Archie, what has happened?
Archie, we've been burgled.
Oh, no!
Well, are you hurt?
No, I'm... I'm fine.
Bit of a headache. I er...
I came in here, somebody hit me, tied me up...
My God, is that the time?
What?
I didn't realise it was quite so late.
What?!
I'm late for a conference.
You've just been attacked!
It's nothing, I must fly. Sorry.
- Archie! - I'll help you tidy up later!
Hello, Portia.
What's happened?
Your father has finally gone completely mental.
Hi.
Archie!
Thank you so much.
Champagne?
OK.
- To us. - To us.
I went back to the house, and guess who...
Let's make love!
Well, if you absolutely insist...
No.
What?
Here. On the rug.
I'll be right back.
Get undressed.
Why not?
Why not indeed!?
Afterwards...
Yeah?
...let's go to South America.
What?
Let's fly to South America.
Why South America?
OK... Iceland?
What do you really want out of life?
I don't know.
Why do I like you so much?
Archie.
Hm?
Do you speak Italian?
I am Italian!
Sono italiano in spirito.
Ma ho sposato una donna che preferisce lavorare in giardino
a fare I'amore appassionato.
Uno sbaglio grande!
But it's such an ugly language.
How about... Russian?
Yest' sila blagodatnaya sozvuchiy slov zhivykh.
Kamina tozhe ni trudnuyu tyesnitsya lyubosyat'sya grust'.
Odnu molitvu chudnuyu tverzhdaya naizust'.
V dushe kak bremya skatyatsya somneniya daleko.
I varitsya i plachetsya, i tak legko...
Archie!
Yeah?
Are you rich?
No, no, I'm afraid not.
What about the house?
Oh, that's Wendy's. She's the rich one.
Oh.
Yest' sila blagodatnaya sozvuchiy slov zhivykh.
I tushit nyeponyatnaya, svetlaya, prelyestnaya rech'.
Vdushe kak bremya skatyatsya somneniya daleko.
I varitsya i plachetsya, i tak legko!
- What the hell are you doing? - I might ask you the same question!
Who are you?
What?!
Get your clothes on.
- Will you leave immediately, please? - What?!
You're in the wrong flat.
This flat belongs to Patrick Balfour.
He's in Hong Kong.
He lent me the key. Now get out!
We leased it from the agents last weekend.
Yes, well obviously that changes things a bit. Erm...
Aren't you Archie Leach?
What?
You bought our house in Lissendon Gardens.
Hazel and lan Johnson.
What a coincidence!
Ha...
How nice to see you.
Hello.
Hello, Wanda. It's Archie
I can't see you any more. I've got to end it.
I'm sorry.
What?
I'm sorry.
Archie?
Er...
OK.
Oh, no, no. Please.
Look, I want to apologise.
I just finished it.
OK, OK, wait.
Where are you going? I want speak with you.
Will you leave me alone?
I've ended it, all right?
Wait! I want to say I'm sorry.
It's all over, OK? It's over.
- All right! - Jesus Christ!
- Calm down! - Someone help me!
- Please believe me! - It's all right!
Don't beat me up again. I've had a terrible day.
Will you shut up?!
Jesus Christ, don't kill me!
Shut up, then.
OK.
Look.
I just want to apologise
sincerely
When I hung you from the window.
I'm really...
It was not a nice thing to do.
Then when I attacked you in there.
I'm really, s...
How did I know you were robbing your house?
I was trying to help!
Yes. Thanks. Otto.
I wanted you to trust me.
Please, it was my fault.
- That's true. - Yeah.
Now, about my sister.
Otto...
She's a very sexy girl.
I understand you wanting to play around with her.
It's OK, I was wrong. I'm sorry!
I was jealous.
Just go ahead, pork away, pal.
Fuck her blue.
I like you, Archie.
I just want to help.
Oh, God!
Send for an ambulance!
Shocking!
I did it!
I did it! I did it!
Unbe-fuck-alievable!
Thomason!
Yeah?
You done well, my son.
Now, here's the plan.
You get four tickets for this evening for Rio, first class.
- Then... - F-f-f...
Yeah, four.
We get rid of Otto later.
Then, back to the flat, pack, collect me.
Then to the Cathcart Towers Hotel to pick up the jewels.
Unbe-fuck-alievable!
Oi! Oi!
It's so exciting, I can't believe it!
He's s-s-safe.
I'm going to be late for court!
H-Hello.
Hello, Otto.
No, she just er... l-l-left.
Oh, and Otto...
You owe me a p-p-p...
What?
You owe me a p-p-pound.
Not Granny?
M-met with an accident.
Bullshit! You're lying.
Dead?
Heart attack.
I don't believe this.
So, George will be out this afternoon.
We all go out to Heathrow,
collect the loot and...
All thanks to me.
So the loot's at the airport, is it, Ken?
What's h-h-happening?
Well, Ken.
I'm going to ask you some questions
while I eat my chips.
First.
Who was the philosopher
who developed the concept of the superman
in Also Spracht Zarathustra?
No?!
That's a chip up the nose, I'm afraid.
Friedrich Nietzsche.
Next.
In which book did Nietzsche claim
that almost all higher culture is based on cruelty?
Are you thinking or are you in mid-stutter?
You're m-mad.
Beyond Good And Evil.
I'll have to ask you an easy one.
OK. Erm...
Let me think, let me think.
Where are the diamonds?
I'll give you a clue.
Somewhere round the airport.
No hassle, there's plenty of time.
I'll just sit here and eat my chips till you tell me.
The English contribution to world cuisine.
The chip.
What do the English usually eat with chips
to make them more interesting?
Wait a moment!
It's fish, isn't it?!
Here, boy.
Down the hatch.
Delicious!
You b-b-b...
Better eat the green one? OK?
What's this one's name?
Well, not Wanda, anyway.
I'm going to call her Lunch.
Hello, Lunch. Hello!
Eugh!
Avoid the green ones.
They're not ripe yet.
You were in court, Inspector, when the forensic evidence was read?
Yes, sir.
And the fact that Mr Thomason was installing windows
the previous weekend,
would explain the presence of small particles of glass on his trousers.
No hurry, Inspector.
Please do take your time.
I'm almost full.
Almost.
Stop!
Please, don't.
Come on, Wanda!
Gullet time!
What are the names of those hotels by the airport?
The Airway Sheraton?
The Post House?
The Cathcart Towers?
The Cathcart Towers? Yes?
Mm? Mm?
Yes.
In the safe deposit box?
Yes.
Where's the key?
What?
Where's the key?
It's in the t-t-tank.
Where? Where?
In the t-t-t...
Treasure chest!
Where?!
Where?
Oh!
You m-m-m
murdering k-k-k...
I'll kill you, I'll kill you!
Sorry, Ken, but your answer was incorrect.
Still, you really did think it was in there, didn't you?
What?
Oh!
- Hello? - I know where the diamonds are.
Where?
Where's the key?
I've got it.
When can you get to George's apartment?
You are Wanda Gershwitz,
of Kipling Mansions, Murray Road, London W9?
Yes.
Would you tell the court,
how do you know the defendant?
We've had a relationship for two years.
Relationship?
We're lovers, your lord.
Miss Gershwitz, on 4th March of this year,
in the morning,
where were you?
At the apartment at Murray Road.
And were you by yourself, or was anyone else present?
No. Somebody else was there.
Who was that?
My brother.
Did your b...?
Your brother?
My brother.
Yes.
Yes, and...
Are you quite sure it was your brother?
I'm sure she can recognise her brother.
She's had a relationship with him all her life.
Much obliged, my lord.
W-w-was there anyone else present that morning?
Yes, George was there.
But he left about 6.55.
Wanda!
I-I wonder...
I wonder...
Yes, Mr Leach?
I Wendy... I Wanda...
I wonder... I w-w-w
Wh-when you say 6.55,
Miss er... Gershwitz,
how can you be so sure?
Oh, I looked at the clock.
Cos I said to myself,
'Where could he be going at 6.55 with that sawn-off shotgun?'
Darling!
Mr Leach.
Darling?
Yes, dear?
You bitch!
You fucking bitch!
Restrain that man!
Restrain this man.
Come 'ere, you bastard!
Clear the court! I'm adjourning this for an hour.
Clear the court!
Clear the court! Clear the court!
Officers, arrest that man!
Clear the court! Clear the court!
Bloody hell!
It's my husband, he's been hit.
Ah, you made it. Good.
A bit of a knock, I'm afraid.
I have never been so humiliated in my life.
You can stick this marriage right in your bottom!
I'll see you in court.
Yes.
Well.
That's it, then.
George.
- What? - We've got to talk.
Tell those pigs to fuck off.
Fuck off, pigs.
Did you hear what I said?
Fuck off.
What's she up to, George?
What are you up to?
You called her darling,
and Wanda.
I've been helping her get her evidence straight.
It slipped out.
Have you been coaching her?
What do you think?! We've got ten minutes.
They'll find you guilty, right?
Plead guilty now, tell them where the loot is, you may get
eight years, out in five and a half.
What if I tell them about Otto... and Wanda?
- They both did it? - Yeah.
Great, all right.
Maybe six years, out in four?
So where are the diamonds?
Where's Bartlett?
Upstairs, calming things down.
So, where are they?
Tell Bartlett Ken knows where they are.
George, it'd be a lot quicker if you told me.
OK! I'll tell Bartlett.
Where's Ken?
He's at the flat.
Thank you for all your help.
I'll be right out.
Taxi! Taxi!
Please... shit!
Taxi!
Come on.
- What? - Let's go.
- Where? - Buenos Aires.
- What? - We're going to George's flat first.
Get in.
Got your passport?
Yeah.
Check the briefcase for mine.
Get your head down.
So, you robbed the jeweller's, turned one lover in,
and kept one to help you find the diamonds.
When he does, you commit perjury in court.
Everyone does it in America.
Not in this country!
Right! Nobody lies in England.
- Like Margaret Thatcher never lied. - You lied to me from the start.
- You just wanted to get me into bed. - I fell in love with you!
How come you dumped me, then?
I wasn't rich enough, remember?
Say something in Russian.
No!
What are you thinking, Archie?
I'm trying to find one good reason
why I should take you away with me.
How about
because I have the key to the safety deposit box.
That's a good reason!
What do we do about Otto?
I'll handle Otto.
Be careful, he's dangerous.
So am I.
Keep it running.
- Why did you bring him? - Otto, wait!
- I'm beginning to think you like him! - Wait!
Let's get the diamonds!
Ken!
Are you Ken?
How do you do?
I'm George's barrister.
Oh, my God!
Asshole!
What the bloody hell...
Oh, all right, then.
Archie!
Where have they gone?
Quick! Where have they gone?
They've go... they've go...
What?
Are you all right?
Where have they gone?
They've gone to the
the Ca-ca-ca...
- Are you ill? - No, no, no.
What?
Ca-ca-ca...
Have you got a stutter?
Yeah, I have. A bit.
OK, fine. Don't worry.
Do you know where they've gone?
Yeah.
Fine, fine. Where?
The Ca-ca
Hotel.
Hotel?
Which hotel?
Ca
The Ca... The Ca...
Go on, go on.
Ca-ca-ca...
It's OK.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Slowly. Very slowly.
Slowly.
The Ca
The Caa
The
Ca
The Caa...
No hurry.
The C-C-Caaa...
Sing it. Sing.
The Caa
The Caa, the Caa
Caa
Plenty of time.
Caa
The Caa
Oh, come on!
Sorry. I'm sorry.
Erm...
The Caa
Here. Write it.
Cathcart Towers Hotel?
Cathcart Towers Hotel.
Where is it?
Ken, where is it? Where?!
Hea-Hea-Hea...
Here. Again.
No, no, no.
Heathrow Airport.
Hey! What's the idea?
You can't stay...
Terribly sorry. Take it, it's yours.
Thank you so much.
Er... British Airways to Rio.
Rio? Terminal Four.
Thank you.
Excuse me, sir. Is this your vehicle?
I'll be with you in a moment.
I'll be right back.
Aisle or window? Smoking or non-smoking?
What was the middle one?
Anything in non-smoking, thanks.
Gate 14 is boarding now.
Rio!
Otto, don't look back, there's a cop behind us.
Quick!
Yes, we can just do it, Mr Leach.
Great.
Luggage?
Don't really need any.
- Gate 14. - Thank you.
Ciao, stupidissimo.
Ow!
Aargh!
Come on, Archie.
Pick up the phone.
Ticket, sir. Airport security.
May I see your boarding pass?
Oh, yes. Certainly.
Very good. Would you mind stepping over here, please?
Of course.
- Oh, look, the Queen. - Where?
OK, OK, OK, don't get excited.
OK, OK, OK.
Oh, it's you! I was actually worried for a minute.
- Keep your hands up. - No!
- Put 'em up! - I'll make a deal with you.
I'll put one up.
Put the other one up!
Which looks better?
I'm warning you, Otto.
What are you going to do?
Shoot me? Gun me down in cold blood, like a dog? Hey?
If you want to settle something, fight me. You're a man.
Let's fight like men! Come on!
All right.
All right, then.
OK. OK.
You look good, Arch.
That's right. I used to box for Oxford.
Oh, yeah? Well, I used to kill for the CIA.
Now, get your hands up.
No.
You spineless bimbo.
Now, out.
I'm going to have to shoot you now, Archie.
But I've got a little time before my plane leaves
and I'm longing to humiliate you.
So get in that barrel.
What?
In the barrel.
Right.
You English!
You think you're so superior, don't you?
Well, you're the filth of the planet.
A bunch of pompous,
badly-dressed, poverty-stricken,
sexually repressed football hooligans.
Goodbye, Archie.
At least we're not irretrievably vulgar.
Your problem is you don't like winners.
- Winners? - Yeah.
Winners.
Winners like
North Vietnam?
Shut up!
We did not lose Vietnam!
It was a tie!
I'm telling ya, baby, they kicked a little ass there.
Boy, they whupped your hide real good!
No, they didn't.
- Oh, yes, they did. - No, they didn't.
Oh, yes, they did.
Oh, no they...
Shut up!
Goodbye, Archie.
Are you gonna shoot me?
Er yes, I'm afraid so, old chap.
Sorry!
Look, Otto. Look.
Revenge.
It's K-K-Ken!
C-c-coming to k-k-kill me.
How are you going to c-c-catch me, K-K-Ken?
Now, where was I?
Oh, yeah.
Shit! God!
Fucking limey cement!
Ken! Ken!
Wait, wait, Ken!
Kenny! May I call you Kenny?
Remember Wanda?
I got the deal of a lifetime!
50-50. What do you say?
OK, OK, 60-40.
That's my final offer.
Revenge!
Wait, I got an idea.
You take it all.
Here's my boarding pass. Ken!
I'm gonna... I'm gonna k-k-kill you.
OK, fine, Ken. Come at me.
Give me your best shot.
Go on, you don't have the guts.
Admit it.
OK, you have the guts.
Good. Wait.
Death!
All right, I'm sorry I ate your fish, OK?!
I'm sorry!
Revenge!
Jesus, I said I'm sorry.
What the fu...? Aaagh!
Got him!
Gotcha again!
You bastard!
Hey! I've lost my stutter.
It's gone.
I can speak.
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck,
if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Good afternoon, sir.
Boarding pass?
Buongiorno, signorina.
Now, listen. Two things.
One.
Behave yourself from now on, or I'll break your neck, OK.
Two.
Gorbachov.
Glasnost.
Molotov.
Blinis.
Er... Lenin.
Pushkin.
Chicken Kiev.
Good. Dostoevsky.
Roubles.
Vladivostok.
Assho-o-ole!